This
week on Words on Wednesday we are looking at the words starting with ‘D’
D
DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of
which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a
term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental
tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion
of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the
word jod or god, meaning "joy." It would be with great diffidence
that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these
formidable authorities.
DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably
with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds of dances,
but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes have two
characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent, and warmly loved by
the vicious.
DANGER, n.
A savage beast which, when it
sleeps,
Man girds at and despises,
But takes himself away by leaps
And bounds when it arises.
Ambat Delaso
DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in security.
DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church,
whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words Datum
Romae. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.
DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty
stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to
these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth
being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite
of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has
killed all the others who have tried it.
DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is
divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper—the
former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.
These two kinds of social activity overlap.
DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing;
done
With all the world; the mad race
run
Though to the end; the golden
goal
Attained and found to be a hole!
Squatol Johnes
DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has had
the misfortune to overtake it.
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the
slave-driver.
As, pent in an aquarium, the
troutlet
Swims round and round his tank
to find an outlet,
Pressing his nose against the
glass that holds him,
Nor ever sees the prison that
enfolds him;
So the poor debtor, seeing
naught around him,
Yet feels the narrow limits that
impound him,
Grieves at his debt and studies
to evade it,
And finds at last he might as
well have paid it.
Barlow S. Vode
DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number—just enough to
permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the
choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this
meridian.
Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have
more.
No images nor idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.
Take not God's name in vain;
select
A time when it will have effect.
Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play
ball.
Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.
Kill not, abet not those who
kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's
bill.
Kiss not thy neighbor's wife,
unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth
caress
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus
compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.
Bear not false witness—that is
low—
But "hear 'tis rumored so
and so."
Cover thou naught that thou hast
not
By hook or crook, or somehow,
got.
G.J.
DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences
over another set.
A leaf was riven from a tree,
"I mean to fall to
earth," said he.
The west wind, rising, made him
veer.
"Eastward," said he,
"I now shall steer."
The east wind rose with greater
force.
Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course."
With equal power they contend.
He said: "My judgment I suspend."
Down died the winds; the leaf,
elate,
Cried: "I've decided to fall straight."
"First thoughts are
best?" That's not the moral;
Just choose your own and we'll
not quarrel.
Howe'er your choice may chance
to fall,
You'll have no hand in it at
all.
G.J.
DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another.
DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack.
DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The
contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of
them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could
have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in
these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his
bread—a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had
forbidden him he would certainly have starved.
DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from
private station to political preferment.
DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the
Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being
pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance
to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris.
Variously pronounced.
DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that
comes in sets.
DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which
side it is buttered on.
DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the
sins (and sinners) of the world.
DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising
Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly
sons and daughters.
All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
The world turned topsy-turvy we
should see;
For Vice, respectable with
cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's
gross advances.
Mumfrey Mappel
DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls
coins out of your pocket.
DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which
you are not in a position to exact from his fears.
DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. The
deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and an intricate
system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. When accidentally struck
by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud of dust.
"Chief Deputy," the
Master cried,
"To-day the books are to be
tried
By experts and accountants who
Have been commissioned to go
through
Our office here, to see if we
Have stolen injudiciously.
Please have the proper entries
made,
The proper balances displayed,
Conforming to the whole amount
Of cash on hand—which they will
count.
I've long admired your punctual
way—
Here at the break and close of
day,
Confronting in your chair the
crowd
Of business men, whose voices
loud
And gestures violent you quell
By some mysterious, calm spell—
Some magic lurking in your look
That brings the noisiest to book
And spreads a holy and profound
Tranquillity o'er all around.
So orderly all's done that they
Who came to draw remain to pay.
But now the time demands, at
last,
That you employ your genius vast
In energies more active. Rise
And shake the lightnings from
your eyes;
Inspire your underlings, and
fling
Your spirit into
everything!"
The Master's hand here dealt a
whack
Upon the Deputy's bent back,
When straightway to the floor
there fell
A shrunken globe, a rattling
shell
A blackened, withered, eyeless
head!
The man had been a twelvemonth
dead.
Jamrach Holobom
DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for
failure.
DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's
pulse and purse.
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
from disorders of the bowels.
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate
to himself without blushing.
Hearst kept a diary wherein were
writ
All that he had of wisdom and of
wit.
So the Recording Angel, when
Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own
and cried:
"I'll judge you by your
diary." Said Hearst:
"Thank you; 'twill show you
I am Saint the First"—
Straightway producing, jubilant
and proud,
That record from a pocket in his
shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the
pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he
knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by
turns he hit
On Shallow sentiment and stolen
wit;
Then gravely closed the book and
gave it back.
"My friend, you've wandered
from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side
the tomb—
For big ideas Heaven has little
room,
And Hell's no latitude for
making mirth,"
He said, and kicked the fellow
back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher"
DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of
despotism to the plague of anarchy.
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a
language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most
useful work.
DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word,
because there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long
intervals, however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not
true, for it is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent
poet and domestic economist, Senator Depew:
A cube of cheese no larger than
a die
May bait the trap to catch a
nibbling mie.
DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process
is imperfect, vices are evolved instead—a circumstance from which that wicked
writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers
from dyspepsia.
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better error
than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing
is, if possible, more objectionable than another.
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.
DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of
a command.
His right to govern me is clear
as day,
My duty manifest to disobey;
And if that fit observance e'er
I shut
May I and duty be alike undone.
Israfel Brown
DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean
shirt upon the character.
Let us dissemble.
Adam
DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to
call theirs, and keep.
DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a
friend.
DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as
many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce and the
early fool.
DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the
overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in some of his
smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection of Woman, the place to
which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog is a survival—an anachronism. He
toils not, neither does he spin, yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a
door-mat all day long, sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked
for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail,
seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.
DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal
measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on horseback.
DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French.
DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which did
not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. Very little is
now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says their religion,
originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as Persia. Caesar says those who
desired to study its mysteries went to Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain,
but does not appear to have obtained any high preferment in the Druidical
Church, although his talent for human sacrifice was considerable.
Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing of
church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They were, in
short, heathens and—as they were once complacently catalogued by a
distinguished prelate of the Church of England— Dissenters.
DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back
season.
DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two enemies.
Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if awkwardly performed
the most unexpected and deplorable consequences sometimes ensue. A long time
ago a man lost his life in a duel.
That dueling's a gentlemanly
vice
I hold; and wish that it had
been my lot
To live my life out in some
favored spot—
Some country where it is
considered nice
To split a rival like a fish, or
slice
A husband like a spud, or
with a shot
Bring down a debtor doubled
in a knot
And ready to be put upon the
ice.
Some miscreants there are, whom
I do long
To shoot, to stab, or some
such way reclaim
The scurvy rogues to better
lives and manners,
I seem to see them now—a mighty
throng.
It looks as if to challenge
me they came,
Jauntily marching with brass
bands and banners!
Xamba Q. Dar
DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The
Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the
habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows;
tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came
originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their
dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia,
and many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent times of
the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe,
occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology.
Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the Mayflower
and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth,
immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most
trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but
little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual
centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England
Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along
the line of desire.
Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor
at court,
Was wroth at his master, who'd
kissed Lady Port.
His anger provoked him to take
the king's head,
But duty prevailed, and he took
the king's bread,
Instead.
