As part of my Words
on Wednesday for the next few months I will work my way through The Devil’s Dictionary.
AUTHOR'S PREFACE
The Devil's
Dictionary was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was continued in a
desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that year a large part of it was
published in covers with the title The Cynic's Word Book, a name which the
author had not the power to reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers
of the present work:
"This more
reverent title had previously been forced upon him by the religious scruples of
the last newspaper in which a part of the work had appeared, with the natural
consequence that when it came out in covers the country already had been
flooded by its imitators with a score of 'cynic' books—The Cynic's This, The
Cynic's That, and The Cynic's t'Other. Most of these books were merely stupid,
though some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they
brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing it was
discredited in advance of publication."
Meantime, too, some
of the enterprising humorists of the country had helped themselves to such
parts of the work as served their needs, and many of its definitions,
anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had become more or less current in popular
speech. This explanation is made, not with any pride of priority in trifles,
but in simple denial of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In
merely resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to whom
the work is addressed—enlightened souls who prefer dry wines to sweet, sense to
sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.
A conspicuous, and
it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book is its abundant illustrative
quotations from eminent poets, chief of whom is that learned and ingenius
cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father
Jape's kindly encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is
greatly indebted.
A.B.
A
ABASEMENT, n. A decent and
customary mental attitude in the presence of wealth or power. Peculiarly
appropriate in an employee when addressing an employer
.
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a
fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside.
ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a
sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne.
Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication
Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.
For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her:
She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.
To History she'll be no royal riddle—
Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.
G.J.
ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god
Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From
women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes
minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence
for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand
in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous.
ABILITY, n. The natural equipment
to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men
from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist
mainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality
is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.
ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to
standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be
abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer
adviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man
than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect
of death and the hope of Hell.
ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little
worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease
to cumber; they fertilize.
ABRACADABRA.
By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither?—a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.
Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age—
An immortal part of speech!
Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.
Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feet and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next—
A trickle of text
In the meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In a number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkably—very!
He's dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.
Jamrach Holobom
ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for people to abridge their king, a
decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel
them to the separation.
Oliver Cromwell
ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without
ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- shot and the departure of the soldier
whose interests are most affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of
another author's ideas that they were "concatenated without
abruption."
ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a
mysterious way," commonly with the property of another.
Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;
The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
Phela Orm
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed
to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the
consideration and affection of another.
To men a man is but a mind. Who cares
What face he carries or what form he wears?
But woman's body is the woman. O,
Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,
But heed the warning words the sage hath said:
A woman absent is a woman dead.
Jogo Tyree
ABSENTEE, n. A person with an
income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of
exaction.
ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent,
irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is one in which the sovereign does as he
pleases so long as he pleases the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are
left, most of them having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the
sovereign's power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by
republics, which are governed by chance.
ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who
yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is
one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity
in the affairs of others.
Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought
You a total abstainer, my son."
"So I am, so I am," said the scapegrace caught—
"But not, sir, a bigoted one."
G.J.
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or
belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school
where morality and philosophy were taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A
modern school where football is taught.
ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable
occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.
ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated
with another in a crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney
who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's
position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no
one having offered them a fee for assenting.
ACCORD, n. Harmony.
ACCORDION, n. An instrument in
harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of
caution.
"My accountability, bear in mind,"
Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes,"
Said the Shah: "I do—'tis the only kind
Of ability you possess."
Joram Tate
ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's
guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having
wronged him.
ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the
surprising condition of the Crusader who absently pulled at his forelock some
hours after a Saracen scimitar had, unconsciously to him, passed through his
neck, as related by de Joinville.
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of
endeavor and the birth of disgust.
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess.
Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love
of truth.
ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we
know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of
friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when
he is rich or famous.
ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.
ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak
teeth.
ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently
found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So
called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of
living.
ADHERENT, n. A follower who has
not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious
abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the
premier or president. A man of straw, proof against bad-egging and
dead-catting.
ADMIRAL, n. That part of a
war-ship which does the talking while the figure-head does the thinking.
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite
recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as
with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.
Consigned by way of admonition,
His soul forever to perdition.
Judibras
ADORE, v.t. To venerate
expectantly.
ADVICE, n. The smallest current
coin.
"The man was in such deep distress,"
Said Tom, "that I could do no less
Than give him good advice." Said Jim:
"If less could have been done for him
I know you well enough, my son,
To know that's what you would have done."
Jebel Jocordy
AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an
ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.
AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing
process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.
AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes
our way.
AGE, n. That period of life in
which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we
have no longer the enterprise to commit.
AGITATOR, n. A statesman who
shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors —to dislodge the worms.
AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.
"Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?"
She tenderly inquired.
"An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife;
The fact is—I have fired."
G.J.
AIR, n. A nutritious substance
supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious
criminal who covers his secret thieving with a pretence of open marauding.
ALIEN, n. An American sovereign
in his probationary state.
ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme
Being, as distinguished from the Christian, Jewish, and so forth.
Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept,
And ever for the sins of man have wept;
And sometimes kneeling in the temple I
Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.
Junker Barlow
ALLEGIANCE, n.
This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,
Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose,
Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed
To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed.
G.J.
ALLIANCE, n. In international
politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in
each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of
America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of
the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river
that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with
the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a
sawrian.
ALONE, adj. In bad company.
In contact, lo! the flint and steel,
By spark and flame, the thought reveal
That he the metal, she the stone,
Had cherished secretly alone.
Booley Fito
ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the
priest formerly raveled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for
purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now
seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace
by a male and a female tool.
They stood before the altar and supplied
The fire themselves in which their fat was fried.
In vain the sacrifice!—no god will claim
An offering burnt with an unholy flame.
M.P. Nopput
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick
with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
AMBITION, n. An overmastering
desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends
when dead.
AMNESTY, n. The state's
magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or
other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood,
So pigs to lead the populace are greased good.
Judibras
ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment
inspired by one's friend's friend.
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.
The flabby wine-skin of his brain
Yields to some pathologic strain,
And voids from its unstored abysm
The driblet of an aphorism.
"The Mad Philosopher,"
1697
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation
for a future offence.
APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having
penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been
dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's
accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
"My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
G.J.
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the
dice into the box for another throw.
APPETITE, n. An instinct
thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.
APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a
platitude.
APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool
with another month added to his folly.
ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical
dignitary one point holier than a bishop.
If I were a jolly archbishop,
On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up—
Salmon and flounders and smelts;
On other days everything else.
Jodo Rem
ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a
plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
ARDOR, n. The quality that
distinguishes love without knowledge.
ARENA, n. In politics, an
imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record.
ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the
best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.)
Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts—guilty of education and suspected
of bank accounts.
ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing
worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given
an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamppost.
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain
one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
The Unauthorized Version
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic
greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.
"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"
Consenting, he did speak up;
"'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
Than put it in my teacup."
Joel Huck
ART, n. This word has no
definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca
Jape, S.J.
One day a wag—what would the wretch be at?—
Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT,
And said it was a god's name! Straight arose
Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows,
And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns,
And disputations dire that lamed their limbs)
To serve his temple and maintain the fires,
Expound the law, manipulate the wires.
Amazed, the populace that rites attend,
Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend,
And, inly edified to learn that two
Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do)
Have sweeter values and a grace more fit
Than Nature's hairs that never have been split,
Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts,
And sell their garments to support the priests.
ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain
engaging quality to which women attain by long study and severe practice upon
the admiring male, who is pleased to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity
of his young.
ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to
ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and
opportunity to commit.
ASS, n. A public singer with a
good voice but no ear. In Virginia City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe
Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely
and variously celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and
country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this noble
vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, lib. II., De Clem.,
and C. Stantatus, De Temperamente) if it is not a god; and as such we
know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we may believe Macrobious, by
the Cupasians also. Of the only two animals admitted into the Mahometan
Paradise along with the souls of men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the
dog of the Seven Sleepers the other. This is no small distinction. From what
has been written about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor
and magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which
clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all literature is
more or less Asinine.
"Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing;
"Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!"
Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine:
God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!"
G.J.
AUCTIONEER, n. The man who
proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in
the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably
retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a
continent or an island.
AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the
ancients entered the infernal regions. The fact that access to the infernal
regions was obtained by a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello
Scrutator to have suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This,
however, has been shown by Lactantius to be an error.
Facilis descensus Averni,
The poet remarks; and the sense
Of it is that when down-hill I turn I
Will get more of punches than pence.
Jehal Dai Lupe
retiring early, lying down in
the daytime, or any other habit that your family do not usually follow. If
there is, arrange it so that she may enjoy her peculiarity in comfort. If there
is any dish which is distasteful to her, avoid placing it upon the table during
her visit, and if she mentions, in conversation, any favorite dish, have it
frequently placed before her.
