From The
Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness A Complete Hand Book for
the Use of the Lady in Polite Society
EVENING PARTIES.
ETIQUETTE FOR THE HOSTESS.
The most fashionable as well as pleasant way in the present
day, to entertain guests, is to invite them to evening parties, which vary in
size from the "company," "sociable," "soirée," to
the party, par excellence, which is but one step from the ball.
The entertainment upon such occasions, may vary with the
taste of the hostess, or the caprice of her guests. Some prefer dancing, some
music, some conversation. Small parties called together for dramatic or
poetical readings, are now fashionable, and very delightful.
In writing an invitation for a small party, it is kind, as
well as polite, to specify the number of guests invited, that your friends may
dress to suit the occasion. To be either too much, or too little dressed at
such times is embarrassing.
For large parties, the usual formula is:
Miss S——'s compliments to Miss G——, and requests the
pleasure of her company for Wednesday, March 8th, at 8 o'clock.
Such an invitation, addressed either to an intimate friend
or mere acquaintance, will signify full dress.
If your party is a musical soirée, or your friends meet for
reading or conversation alone, say so in your invitation, as—
Miss S—— requests the pleasure of Miss G——'s company, on
Thursday evening next, at 8 o'clock, to meet the members of the musical club,
to which Miss S—— belongs;
or,
Miss S—— expects a few friends, on Monday evening next, at
8 o'clock, to take part in some dramatic readings, and would be happy to have
Miss G—— join the party.
Always date your note of invitation, and put your address
in one corner.
Having dispatched these notes, the next step is to prepare
to receive your guests. If the number invited is large, and you hire waiters,
give them notice several days beforehand, and engage them to come in the
morning. Give them full directions for the supper, appoint one to open the
door, another to show the guests to the dressing rooms, and a third to wait in
the gentlemen's dressing-room, to attend to them, if their services are
required.
If you use your own plate, glass, and china, show the
waiters where to find them, as well as the table cloths, napkins, and other
things they may require. If you hire the service from the confectioner's or
restaurateur's where you order your supper, you have only to show your waiters
where to spread supper, and tell them the hour.
You will have to place at least four rooms at the disposal of
your guests—the supper room, and two dressing-rooms, beside the drawing-room.
In the morning, see that the fires in your rooms are in
good order; and in the drawing-room, it is best to
Do not remove all the chairs from the parlor; or, if this
is necessary, leave some in the hall, for those who wish to rest after dancing.
In the dining-room, unless it will accommodate all your
guests at once, have a silk cord so fastened that, when the room is full, it
can be drawn across the door-way; those following the guests already in the
room, will then return to the parlor, and wait their turn. A still better way,
is to set the supper table twice, inviting the married and elderly people to go
into the first table, and then, after it is ready for the second time, let the
young folks go up.
Two dressing-rooms must be ready; one for the ladies, and
the other for the gentlemen. Have both these rooms comfortably heated, and well
lighted. Nothing can be more disagreeable than cold, ill-lighted rooms to dress
in, particularly if your guests come in half-frozen by the cold of a winter's
night, or still worse, damp from a stormy one.
Be sure that there is plenty of water, soap and towels on
the washstand, two or three brushes and combs on the bureau, two mirrors, one
large and one small, and a pin cushion, well filled with large and small pins.
In the ladies' room, have one, or if your party is large,
two women to wait upon your guests; to remove their cloaks, overshoes, and
hoods, and assist them in smoothing their dresses or hair. After each guest
removes her shawl and hood, let one of the maids roll all the things she lays
aside into a bundle, and put it where she can easily find it. It is an
admirable plan, and prevents much confusion, to pin to each bundle, a card, or
strip of paper, (previously prepared,) with the name of the person to whom it
belongs written clearly and distinctly upon it.
Upon the bureau in the ladies' room, have a supply of
hair-pins, and a workbox furnished with everything requisite to repair any
accident that may happen to the dress of a guest. It is well, also, to have Eau
de Cologne, hartshorn, and salts, in case of sudden faintness.
In the gentlemen's room, place a clothes brush and
boot-jack.
It is best to send out your invitations by your own
servant, or one hired for that purpose especially. It is ill-bred to send
invitations either by the dispatch, or through the post-office; and besides
being discourteous, you risk offending your friends, as these modes of delivery
are proverbially uncertain.
Be dressed and ready to receive your guests in good season,
as some, in their desire to be punctual, may come before the time appointed. It
is better to be ready too soon, than too late, as your guests will feel
painfully embarrassed if you are not ready to receive them.
For the early part of the evening, take a position in your
parlor, near or opposite to the door, that each guest may find you easily. It
is not necessary to remain all the evening nailed to this one spot, but stay
near it until your guests have all or nearly all assembled. Late comers will of
course expect to find you entertaining your guests.
As each guest or party enter the room, advance a few steps
to meet them, speaking first to the lady, or if there are several ladies, to
the eldest, then to the younger ones, and finally to the gentlemen. If the new
comers are acquainted with those already in the room, they will leave you,
after a few words of greeting, to join their friends; but if they are strangers
to the city, or making their first visit to your house, introduce them to a
friend who is well acquainted in your circle, who will entertain them till you
can again join them and introduce them to others.
Do not leave the room during the evening. To see a hostess
fidgeting, constantly going in and out, argues ill for her tact in arranging
the house for company. With well-trained waiters, you need give yourself no
uneasiness about the arrangements outside of the parlors.
The perfection of good breeding in a hostess, is perfect
ease of manner; for the time she should appear to have no thought or care
beyond the pleasure of her guests.
Have a waiter in the hall to open the front door, and
another at the head of the first flight of stairs, to point out to the ladies
and gentlemen their respective dressing-rooms.
Never try to outshine your guests in dress. It is vulgar in
the extreme. A hostess should be dressed as simply as is consistent with the
occasion, wearing, if she will, the richest fabrics, exquisitely made, but
avoiding any display of jewels or gay colors, such as will be, probably, more
conspicuous than those worn by her guests.
Remember, from the moment your first guest enters the
parlor, you must forget yourself entirely to make the evening pleasant for
others. Your duties will call you from one group to another, and require
constant watchfulness that no one guest is slighted. Be careful that none of
the company are left to mope alone from being unacquainted with other guests.
Introduce gentlemen to ladies, and gentlemen to gentlemen, ladies to ladies.
It requires much skill and tact to make a party for
conversation only, go off pleasantly. You must invite only such guests as will
mutually please, and you must be careful about introductions. If you have a
literary lion upon your list, it is well to invite other lions to meet him or
her, that the attention may not be constantly concentrated upon one person.
Where you see a couple conversing slowly and wearily, stir them up with a few
sprightly words, and introduce a new person, either to make a trio, or, as a
substitute in the duet, carrying off the other one of the couple to find a more
congenial companion elsewhere. Never interrupt an earnest or apparently
interesting conversation. Neither party will thank you, even if you propose the
most delightful substitute.
If your party meet for reading, have a table with the books
in the centre of the apartment, that will divide the room, those reading being
on one side, the listeners on the other. Be careful here not to endeavor to
shine above your guests, leaving to them the most prominent places, and taking,
cheerfully, a subordinate place. On the other hand, if you are urged to display
any talent you may possess in this way, remember your only desire is to please
your guests, and if they are really desirous to listen to you, comply,
gracefully and promptly, with their wishes.
If you have dancing, and have not engaged a band, it is
best to hire a pianist for the evening to play dancing music. You will find it
exceedingly wearisome to play yourself all the evening, and it is ill-bred to
ask any guest to play for others to dance. This victimizing of some obliging
guest is only too common, but no true lady will ever be guilty of such
rudeness. If there are several members of the family able and willing to play,
let them divide this duty amongst them, or, if you wish to play yourself, do
so. If any guest, in this case, offers to relieve you, accept their kindness
for one dance only. Young people, who enjoy dancing, but who also play well,
will often stay on the piano-stool all the evening, because their own good-nature
will not allow them to complain, and their hostess wilfully, or through
negligence, permits the tax.
See that your guests are well provided with partners,
introducing every gentleman and lady who dances, to one who will dance well
with them. Be careful that none sit still through your negligence in providing
partners.
Do not dance yourself, when, by so doing, you are
preventing a guest from enjoying that pleasure. If a lady is wanted to make up
a set, then dance, or if, late in the evening, you have but few lady dancers
left, but do not interfere with the pleasure in others. If invited, say that
you do not wish to take the place of a guest upon the floor, and introduce the
gentleman who invites you to some lady friend who dances.
It is very pleasant in a dancing party to have ices alone,
handed round at about ten o'clock, having supper set two or three hours later.
They are very refreshing, when it would be too early to have the more
substantial supper announced.
It is very customary now, even in large parties, to have no
refreshments but ice-cream, lemonade, and cake, or, in summer, fruit, cake, and
ices. It is less troublesome, as well as less expensive, than a hot supper, and
the custom will be a good one to adopt permanently.
One word of warning to all hostesses. You can never know,
when you place wine or brandy before your guests, whom you may be tempting to
utter ruin. Better, far better, to have a reputation as strict, or mean, than
by your example, or the temptation you offer, to have the sin upon your soul of
having put poison before those who partook of your hospitality. It is not
necessary; hospitality and generosity do not require it, and you will have the
approval of all who truly love you for your good qualities, if you resolutely
refuse to have either wine or any other intoxicating liquor upon your supper-table.
If the evening of your party is stormy, let a waiter stand
in the vestibule with a large umbrella, to meet the ladies at the carriage
door, and protect them whilst crossing the pavement and steps.
When your guests take leave of you, it will be in the
drawing-room, and let that farewell be final. Do not accompany them to the
dressing-room, and never stop them in the hall for a last word. Many ladies do
not like to display their "sortie du soirée" before a crowded room,
and you will be keeping their escort waiting. Say farewell in the parlor, and
do not repeat it.
If your party is mixed, that is, conversation, dancing, and
music are all mingled, remember it is your place to invite a guest to sing or
play, and be careful not to offend any amateur performers by forgetting to
invite them to favor the company. If they decline, never urge the matter. If
the refusal proceeds from unwillingness or inability on that occasion, it is
rude to insist; and if they refuse for the sake of being urged, they will be
justly punished by a disappointment. If you have guests who, performing badly,
will expect an invitation to play, sacrifice their desire to the good of the
others, pass them by. It is torture to listen to bad music.
Do not ask a guest to sing or play more than once. This is
her fair share, and you have no right to tax her too severely to entertain your
other guests. If, however, the performance is so pleasing that others ask for a
repetition, then you too may request it, thanking the performer for the
pleasure given.
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