From The
Gentleman’s Book Of Etiquette, and Manual Of Politeness – True to text.
Real
politeness is the outward expression of the most generous impulses of the
heart. It enforces unselfishness, benevolence, kindness, and the golden rule,
“Do unto others as you would others should do unto you.” Thus its first principle
is love for the neighbor, loving him as yourself.
When in
society it would often be exceedingly difficult to decide how to treat those
who are personally disagreeable to us, if it were not for the rules of
politeness, and the little formalities and points of etiquette which these
rules enforce. These evidences of polite breeding do not prove hypocrisy, as
you may treat your most bitter enemy with perfect courtesy, and yet make no
protestations of friendship.
If
politeness is but a mask, as many philosophers tell us, it is a mask which will
win love and admiration, and is better worn than cast aside. If you wear it
with the sincere desire to give pleasure to others, and make all the little
meetings of life pass off smoothly and agreeably, it will soon cease to be a
mask, but you will find that the manner which you at first put on to give
pleasure, has become natural to you, and wherever you have assumed a virtue to
please others, you will find the virtue becoming habitual and finally natural,
and part of yourself.
Do not look
upon the rules of etiquette as deceptions. They are just as often vehicles for
the expression of sincere feeling, as they are the mask to conceal a want of
it.
You will in
society meet with men who rail against politeness, and call it deceit and
hypocrisy. Watch these men when they have an object to gain, or are desirous of
making a favorable impression, and see them tacitly, but unconsciously, admit
the power of courtesy, by dropping for the time, their uncouth ways, to affect
the politeness, they oftentimes do not feel.
Pass over
the defects of others, be prudent, discreet, at the proper time reserved, yet
at other times frank, and treat others with the same gentle courtesy you would
wish extended to yourself.
True
politeness never embarrasses any one, because its first object is to put all at
their ease, while it leaves to all perfect freedom of action. You must meet
rudeness from others by perfect politeness and polish of manner on your own
part, and you will thus shame those who have been uncivil to you. You will more
readily make them blush by your courtesy, than if you met their rudeness by ill
manners on your own part.
While a
favor may be doubled in value, by a frankly courteous manner of granting it, a
refusal will lose half its bitterness if your manner shows polite regret at
your inability to oblige him who asks the favor at your hand.
Politeness
may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will never by thus extending
it detract from your own dignity. A gentleman may and will treat his
washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his boot-black with pleasant
affability, yet preserve perfectly his own position. To really merit the name
of a polite, finished gentleman, you must be polite at all times and under all
circumstances.
There is a
difference between politeness and etiquette. Real politeness is in-born, and
may exist in the savage, while etiquette is the outward expression of
politeness reduced to the rules current in good society.
A man may be
polite, really so in heart, yet show in every movement an ignorance of the
rules of etiquette, and offend against the laws of society. You may find him
with his elbows upon the table, or tilting his chair in a parlor. You may see
him commit every hour gross breaches of etiquette, yet you will never hear him
intentionally utter one word to wound another, you will see that he habitually
endeavors to make others comfortable, choosing for them the easiest seats, or
the daintiest dishes, and putting self entirely aside to contribute to the
pleasure of all around him. Such a man will learn, by contact with refined
society, that his ignorance of the rules which govern it, make him, at times,
disagreeable, and from the same unselfish motive which prompts him to make a
sacrifice of comfort for the sake of others, he will watch and learn quickly,
almost by instinct, where he offends against good breeding, drop one by one his
errors in etiquette, and become truly a gentleman.
On the other
hand, you will meet constantly, in the best society, men whose polish of
So I would
say to you, Cultivate your heart. Cherish there the Christian graces, love for
the neighbor, unselfishness, charity, and gentleness, and you will be truly a
gentleman; add to these the graceful forms of etiquette, and you then become a perfect
gentleman.
Etiquette
exists in every corner of the known world, from the savages in the wilds of
Africa, who dare not, upon penalty of death, approach their barbarous rulers
without certain forms and ceremonies, to the most refined circles of Europe,
where gentle chivalry and a cultivated mind suggest its rules. It has existed
in all ages, and the stringency of its laws in some countries has given rise to
both ludicrous and tragic incidents.
In countries
where royalty rules the etiquette, it often happens that pride will blind those
who make the rules, and the results are often fatal. Believing that the same
deference which their rank authorized them to demand, was also due to them as
individuals, the result of such an idea was an etiquette as vain and useless as
it was absurd.
For an
example I will give an anecdote:
“The kings
of Spain, the proudest and vainest of all kings of the earth, made a rule of
etiquette as stupid as it was useless. It was a fault punishable by death to
touch the foot of the queen, and the individual who thus offended, no matter
under what circumstances, was executed immediately.
“A young
queen of Spain, wife of Charles the Second, was riding on horseback in the
midst of her attendants. Suddenly the horse reared and threw the queen from the
saddle. Her foot remained in the stirrup, and she was dragged along the ground.
An immense crowd stood looking at this spectacle, but no one dared, for his
life, to attempt to rescue the poor woman. She would have died, had not two
young French officers, ignorant of the stupid law which paralyzed the
Spaniards, sprung forward and saved her. One stopped the horse, and whilst he
held the bridle, his companion disengaged from its painful position the foot of
the young queen, who was, by this time, insensible from fear and the bruises
which she had already received. They were instantly arrested, and while the
queen was carried on a litter to the palace, her young champions were marched
off, accompanied by a strong guard, to prison. The next day, sick and feeble,
the queen was obliged to leave her bed, and on her knees before the king, plead
for the pardon of the two Frenchmen; and her prayer was only granted upon
condition that the audacious foreigners left Spain immediately.”
There is no
country in the world where the absurdities of etiquette are carried to so great
a length as in Spain, because there is no nation where the nobility are so proud.
The following anecdote, which illustrates this, would seem incredible were it
not a historical fact:
“Philip the
Third, king of Spain, was sick, and being able to sit up, was carefully placed
in an arm chair which stood opposite to a large fire, when the wood was piled
up to an enormous height. The heat soon became intolerable, and the courtiers
retired from around the king; but, as the Duke D’Ussede, the fire stirrer for
the king, was not present, and as no one else had the right to touch the fire, those
present dared not attempt to diminish the heat. The grand chamberlain was also
absent, and he alone was authorized to touch the king’s footstool. The poor
king, too ill to rise, in vain implored those around him to move his chair, no
one dared touch it, and when the grand chamberlain arrived, the king had
fainted with the heat, and a few days later he died, literally roasted to
death.”
At almost
all times, and in almost all places, good breeding may be shown; and we think a
good service will be done by pointing out a few plain and simple instances in
which it stands opposed to habits and manners, which, though improper and
disagreeable, are not very uncommon.
In the
familiar intercourse of society, a well-bred man will be known by the
delicacy and deference with which he behaves towards females. That man would
deservedly be looked upon as very deficient in proper respect and feeling, who
should take any physical advantage of one of the weaker sex, or offer any
personal slight towards her. Woman looks, and properly looks, for protection to
man. It is the province of the husband to shield the wife from injury; of the
father to protect the daughter; the brother has the same duty to perform
towards the sister; and, in general, every man should, in this sense, be the
champion and the lover of every woman. Not only should he be ready to protect,
but desirous to please, and willing to sacrifice much of his own personal ease
and comfort, if, by doing so, he can increase those of any female in whose
company he may find himself. Putting these principles into practice, a
well-bred man, in his own house, will be kind and respectful in his behaviour
to every female of the family. He will not use towards them harsh language,
even if called upon to express dissatisfaction with their conduct. In
conversation, he will abstain from every allusion which would put modesty to
the blush. He will, as much as in his power, lighten their labors by cheerful
and voluntary assistance. He will yield to them every little advantage which
may occur in the regular routine of domestic life:—the most comfortable seat,
if there be a difference; the warmest position by the winter’s fireside; the
nicest slice from the family joint, and so on.
In a public
assembly of any kind, a well-bred man will pay regard to the feelings and
wishes of the females by whom he is surrounded. He will not secure the best
seat for himself, and leave the women folk to take care of themselves. He will
not be seated at all, if the meeting be crowded, and a single female appear
unaccommodated.
Good
breeding will keep a person from making loud and startling noises, from pushing
past another in entering or going out of a room; from ostentatiously using a
pocket-handkerchief; from hawking and spitting in company; from fidgeting any
part of the body; from scratching the head, or picking the teeth with fork or
with finger. In short, it will direct all who study its rules to abstain from
every personal act which may give pain or offence to another’s feelings. At the
same time, it will enable them to bear much without taking offence. It will
teach them when to speak and when to be silent, and how to behave with due
respect to all. By attention to the rules of good breeding, and more especially
to its leading principles, “the poorest man will be entitled to the character
of a gentleman, and by inattention to them, the most wealthy person will be
essentially vulgar. Vulgarity signifies coarseness or indelicacy of manner, and
is not necessarily associated with poverty or lowliness of condition. Thus an
operative artizan may be a gentleman, and worthy of our particular esteem;
while an opulent merchant may be only a vulgar clown, with whom it is
impossible to be on terms of friendly intercourse.”
The
following remarks upon the “Character of a Gentleman” by Brooke are so
admirable that I need make no apology for quoting them entire. He says; “There
is no term, in our language, more common than that of ‘Gentleman;’ and,
whenever it is heard, all agree in the general idea of a man some way elevated
above the vulgar. Yet, perhaps, no two living are precisely agreed respecting
the qualities they think requisite for constituting this character. When we
hear the epithets of a ‘fine Gentleman,’ ‘a pretty Gentleman,’ ‘much of a
Gentleman,’ ‘Gentlemanlike,’ ‘something of a Gentleman,’ ‘nothing of a
Gentleman,’ and so forth; all these different appellations must intend a
peculiarity annexed to the ideas of those who express them; though no two of
them, as I said, may agree in the constituent qualities of the character they
have formed in their own mind. There have been ladies who deemed fashionable
dress a very capital ingredient in the composition of—a Gentleman. A certain
easy impudence acquired by low people, by casually being conversant in high
life, has passed a man current through many companies for—a Gentleman. In
taverns and brothels, he who is the most of a bully is the most of—a Gentleman.
And the highwayman, in his manner of taking your purse, may however be allowed
to have—much of the Gentleman. Plato, among the philosophers, was ‘the most of
a man of fashion;’ and therefore allowed, at the court of Syracuse, to be—the
most of a Gentleman. But seriously, I apprehend that this character is pretty
much upon the modern. In all ancient or dead languages we have no term, any way
adequate, whereby we may express it. In the habits, manners, and characters of
old Sparta and old Rome, we find an antipathy to all the elements of modern
gentility. Among these rude and unpolished people, you read of philosophers, of
orators, of patriots, heroes, and demigods; but you never hear of any character
so elegant as that of—a pretty Gentleman.
“When those
nations, however, became refined into what their ancestors would have called
corruption; when luxury introduced, and fashion gave a sanction to certain
sciences, which Cynics would have branded with the ill mannered appellations of
drunkenness, gambling, cheating, lying, &c.; the practitioners assumed the
new title of Gentlemen, till such Gentlemen became as plenteous as stars in the
milky-way, and lost distinction merely by the confluence of their lustre.
Wherefore as the said qualities were found to be of ready acquisition, and of
easy descent to the populace from their betters, ambition judged it necessary
to add further marks and criterions for severing the general herd from the
nobler species—of Gentlemen.
“Accordingly,
if the commonalty were observed to have a propensity to religion, their
superiors affected a disdain of such vulgar prejudices; and a freedom that cast
off the restraints of morality, and a courage that spurned at the fear of a
God, were accounted the distinguishing characteristics—of a Gentleman.
“If the
populace, as in China, were industrious and ingenious, the grandees, by the
length of their nails and the cramping of their limbs, gave evidence that true
dignity was above labor and utility, and that to be born to no end was the
prerogative—of a Gentleman.
“If the
common sort, by their conduct, declared a respect for the institutions of civil
society and good government; their betters despised such pusillanimous
conformity, and the magistrates paid becoming regard to the distinction, and
allowed of the superior liberties and privileges—of a Gentleman.
“If the
lower set show a sense of common honesty and common order; those who would
figure in the world, think it incumbent to demonstrate that complaisance to
inferiors, common manners, common equity, or any thing common, is quite beneath
“Now, as
underlings are ever ambitious of imitating and usurping the manners of their
superiors; and as this state of mortality is incident to perpetual change and
revolution, it may happen, that when the populace, by encroaching on the
province of gentility, have arrived to their ne plus ultra of insolence,
irreligion, &c.; the gentry, in order to be again distinguished, may assume
the station that their inferiors had forsaken, and, however ridiculous the
supposition may appear at present, humanity, equity, utility, complaisance, and
piety, may in time come to be the distinguishing characteristics—of a
Gentleman.
“It appears
that the most general idea which people have formed of a Gentleman, is that of
a person of fortune above the vulgar, and embellished by manners that are
fashionable in high life. In this case, fortune and fashion are the two
constituent ingredients in the composition of modern Gentlemen; for whatever
the fashion may be, whether moral or immoral, for or against reason, right or
wrong, it is equally the duty of a Gentleman to conform. And yet I apprehend,
that true gentility is altogether independent of fortune or fashion, of time,
customs, or opinions of any kind. The very same qualities that constituted a
gentleman, in the first age of the world, are permanently, invariably, and
indispensably necessary to the constitution of the same character to the end of
time.
“Hector was
the finest gentleman of whom we read in history, and Don Quixote the finest
gentleman we read of in romance; as was instanced from the tenor of their
principles and actions.
“Some time
after the battle of Cressy, Edward the Third of England, and Edward the Black
Prince, the more than heir of his father’s renown, pressed John King of France
to indulge them with the pleasure of his company at London. John was desirous
of embracing the invitation, and accordingly laid the proposal before his
parliament at Paris. The parliament objected, that the invitation had been made
with an insidious design of seizing his person, thereby to make the cheaper and
easier acquisition of the crown, to which Edward at that time pretended. But
John replied, with some warmth, that he was confident his brother Edward, and
more especially his young cousin, were too much of the GENTLEMAN, to treat him
in that manner. He did not say too much of the king, of the hero, or of the
saint, but too much of the GENTLEMAN to be guilty of any baseness.
“The sequel
verified this opinion. At the battle of Poictiers King John was made prisoner,
and soon after conducted by the Black Prince to England. The prince entered
London in triumph, amid the throng and acclamations of millions of the people.
But then this rather appeared to be the triumph of the French king than that of
his conqueror. John was seated on a proud steed, royally robed, and attended by
a numerous and gorgeous train of the British nobility; while his conqueror
endeavored, as much as possible, to disappear, and rode by his side in plain
attire, and degradingly seated on a little Irish hobby.
“As
Aristotle and the Critics derived their rules for epic poetry and the sublime
from a poem which Homer had written long before the rules were formed, or laws
established for the purpose: thus, from the demeanor and innate principles of
particular gentlemen, art has borrowed and instituted the many modes of
behaviour, which the world has adopted, under the title of good manners.
“One quality
of a gentleman is that of charity to the poor; and this is delicately instanced
in the account which Don Quixote gives, to his fast friend Sancho Pancha, of
the valorous but yet more pious knight-errant Saint Martin. On a day, said the
Don, Saint Martin met a poor man half naked, and taking his cloak from his
shoulders, he divided, and gave him the one half. Now, tell me at what time of
the year this happened. Was I a witness? quoth, Sancho; how the vengeance
should I know in what year or what time of the year it happened? Hadst thou
Sancho, rejoined the knight, anything within thee of the sentiment of Saint
Martin, thou must assuredly have known that this happened in winter; for, had
it been summer, Saint Martin would had given the whole cloak.
“Another
characteristic of the true gentleman, is a delicacy of behaviour toward that
sex whom nature has entitled to the protection, and consequently entitled to
the tenderness, of man.
“The same
gentleman-errant, entering into a wood on a summer’s evening, found himself
entangled among nets of green thread that, here and there, hung from tree to
tree; and conceiving it some matter of purposed conjuration, pushed valorously
forward to break through the enchantment. Hereupon some beautiful shepherdesses
interposed with a cry, and besought him to spare the implements of their
innocent recreation. The knight, surprised and charmed by the vision,
replied,—Fair creatures! my province is to protect, not to injure; to seek all
means of service, but never of offence, more especially to any of your sex and
apparent excellences. Your pretty nets take up but a small piece of favored
ground; but, did they inclose the world, I would seek out new worlds, whereby I
might win a passage, rather than break them.
“Two very
lovely but shamefaced girls had a cause, of some consequence, depending at
Westminster, that indispensably required their personal appearance. They were
relations of Sir Joseph Jeckel, and, on this tremendous occasion, requested his
company and countenance at the court. Sir Joseph attended accordingly; and the
cause being opened, the judge demanded whether he was to entitle those ladies
by the denomination of spinsters. ‘No, my Lord,’ said Sir Joseph; ‘they are
lilies of the valley, they toil not, neither do they spin, yet you see that no
monarch, in all his glory, was ever arrayed like one of these.’
“Another very
peculiar characteristic of a gentleman is, the giving place and yielding to all
with whom he has to do. Of this we have a shining and affecting instance in
Abraham, perhaps the most accomplished character that may be found in history,
whether sacred or profane. A contention had arisen between the herdsmen of
Abraham and the herdsmen of his nephew, Lot, respecting the propriety of the
pasture of the lands wherein they dwelled, that could now scarce contain the
abundance of their cattle. And those servants, as is universally the case, had
respectively endeavored to kindle and inflame their masters with their own
passions. When Abraham, in consequence of this, perceived that the countenance
of Lot began to change toward him, he called, and generously expostulated with
him as followeth: ‘Let there be no strife, I pray thee, between me and thee, or
between my herdsmen and thy herdsmen; for we be brethren. If it be thy desire
to separate thyself from me, is not the whole land before thee? If thou wilt take
the left hand, then will I go to the right; or if thou depart to the right
hand, then I will go to the left.’
“Another
capital quality of the true gentleman is, that of feeling himself concerned and
interested in others. Never was there so benevolent, so affecting, so pathetic
a piece of oratory exhibited upon earth, as that of Abraham’s pleading with God
for averting the judgments that then impended over Sodom. But the matter is
already so generally celebrated, that I am constrained to refer my reader to the
passage at full; since the smallest abridgment must deduct from its beauties,
and that nothing can be added to the excellences thereof.
“Honor,
again, is said, in Scripture, peculiarly to distinguish the character of a
gentleman; where it is written of Sechem, the son of Hamor, ‘that he was more
honorable than all the house of his father.’
“From hence
it may be inferred, that human excellence, or human amiableness, doth not so
much consist in a freedom from frailty as in our recovery from lapses, our
detestation of our own transgressions, and our desire of atoning, by all
possible means, the injuries we have done, and the offences we have given.
Herein, therefore, may consist the very singular distinction which the great
apostle makes between his estimation of a just and of a good man. ‘For a just
or righteous man,’ says he, ‘one would grudge to die; but for a good man one
would even dare to die.’ Here the just man is supposed to adhere strictly to
the rule of right or equity, and to exact from others the same measure that he
is satisfied to mete; but the good man, though occasionally he may fall short
of justice, has, properly speaking, no measure to his benevolence, his general
propensity is to give more than the due. The just man condemns, and is desirous
of punishing the transgressors of the line prescribed to himself; but the good
man, in the sense of his own falls and failings, gives latitude, indulgence,
and pardon to others; he judges, he condemns no one save himself. The just man
is a stream that deviates not to the right or left from its appointed channel,
neither is swelled by the flood of passion above its banks; but the heart of
the good man, the man of honor, the gentleman, is as a lamp lighted by the
breath of God, and none save God himself can set limits to the efflux
or irradiations thereof.
“Again, the
gentleman never envies any superior excellence, but grows himself more
excellent, by being the admirer, promoter, and lover thereof. Saul said to his
son Jonathan, ‘Thou son of the perverse, rebellious woman, do not I know that
thou hast chosen the son of Jesse to thine own confusion? For as long as the
son of Jesse liveth upon the ground, thou shalt not be established, nor thy
kingdom; wherefore send and fetch him unto me, for he shall surely die.’ Here
every interesting motive that can possibly be conceived to have an influence on
man, united to urge Jonathan to the destruction of David; he would thereby have
obeyed his king, and pacified a father who was enraged against him. He would thereby
have removed the only luminary that then eclipsed the brightness of his own
achievements. And he saw, as his father said, that the death of David alone
could establish the kingdom in himself and his posterity. But all those
considerations were of no avail to make Jonathan swerve from honor, to slacken
the bands of his faith, or cool the warmth of his friendship. O Jonathan! the
sacrifice which thou then madest to virtue, was incomparably more illustrious
in the sight of God and his angels than all the subsequent glories to which
David attained. What a crown was thine, ‘Jonathan, when thou wast slain in thy
high places!’
“Saul of
Tarsus had been a man of bigotry, blood, and violence; making havoc, and
breathing out threatenings and slaughter, against all who were not of his own
sect and persuasion. But, when the spirit of that Infant, who laid himself in the manger of human flesh, came
upon him, he acquired a new heart and a new nature; and he offered himself a
willing subject to all the sufferings and persecutions which he had brought
upon others.
“Saul from
that time, exemplified in his own person, all those qualities of the gentleman,
which he afterwards specifies in his celebrated description of that charity,
which, as he says, alone endureth forever. When Festus cried with a loud voice,
‘Paul, thou art beside thyself, much learning doth make thee mad;’ Paul
stretched the hand, and answered, ‘I am not mad, most noble Festus, but speak
forth the words of truth and soberness. For the king knoweth of these things,
before whom also I speak freely; for I am persuaded that none of these things
are hidden from him. King Agrippa, believest thou the prophets? I know that
thou believest.’ Then Agrippa said unto Paul, ‘Almost thou persuadest me to be
a Christian.’ And Paul said, ‘I would to God that not only thou, but also all
that hear me this day, were not only almost but altogether such as I am,—except
these bonds.’ Here, with what an inimitable elegance did this man, in his own
person, at once sum up the orator, the saint, and the gentleman!
“From these
instances, my friend, you must have seen that the character, or rather quality
of a GENTLEMAN, does not, in any degree, depend on fashion or mode, on station
or opinion; neither changes with customs, climate, or ages. But, as the Spirit
of God can alone inspire it into man, so it is, as God is the same, yesterday,
to-day, and forever.”
In
concluding this chapter I would say:
“In the
common actions and transactions of life, there is a wide distinction between
the well-bred and the ill-bred. If a person of the latter sort be in a superior
condition in life, his conduct towards those below him, or dependent upon him,
is marked by haughtiness, or by unmannerly condescension. In the company of his
equals in station and circumstances, an ill-bred man is either captious and
quarrelsome, or offensively familiar. He does not consider that:
‘The man who hails you Tom or
Jack,And proves, by thumps upon your back,How he esteems your merit,Is such a friend, that one had needBe very much a friend indeed,To pardon or to bear it.’
“And if a
man void of good breeding have to transact business with a superior in wealth
or situation, it is more than likely that he will be needlessly humble,
unintentionally insolent, or, at any rate, miserably embarrassed. On the
contrary, a well-bred person will instinctively avoid all these errors. ‘To
inferiors, he will speak kindly and considerately, so as to relieve them from
any feeling of being beneath him in circumstances. To equals, he will be plain,
unaffected, and courteous. To superiors, he will know how to show becoming
respect, without descending to subserviency or meanness. In short, he will act
a manly, inoffensive, and agreeable part, in all the situations in life in which
he may be placed.’”
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